popular thinking

SUMMER MOVIE TOY SMACKDOWN: The always inspiring Wm. Steven Humphrey, whose I Love Television columns have provided amusement and knowledge to the people since even before I first discovered the Stranger in Seattle a decade ago, provided more inspiration last week with his rant against the Human Torch ATV.

So here today is a more in-depth look at some of the other craptacular toys the movie studios greenlit (or is it green-lighted?) to see if suckers like us would buy anything.

My story in the Boston Herald recaps the nonsense that is the Human Torch ATV, plus these other hot items! Buyer beware!

MR. FANTASTIC STRETCH & GRAB ARM
Retail price: $9.99
Diagnosis: Misleading. Once you take it home, the arm neither stretches or grabs effectively. You have to use your left hand both to extend the arm and keep it in place for grabbing. What fun is that? Its only practical purpose appears to be back scratching.
Kid-appropriateness: None.
Office-appropriateness: Start the sexual harassment paperwork immediately.

BATMAN BEGINS BATMAN LONG RANGE NIGHT VISION HEADBAND WALKIE TALKIES
Retail price: $29.99
Diagnosis: Night vision is sweet. But really, it's the walkie-talkies that impress, with a talking range of up to 2,000 feet and no need to press talk or listen buttons. Not so sure how helpful the tiny flashlight is.
Kid-appropriateness: Good for all ages, not just the 4 and up listed on the box.
Office-appropriateness: Could replace or back up electronic instant messaging systems (although if someone else buys a pair of headsets, they could easily eavesdrop, so keep that in mind).

BATMAN BEGINS BATMOBILE
Retail price: $29.99
Diagnosis: In the movie, the converted military prototype vehicle is indestructible. Barely out of the box, this Batmobile already suffers serious scratches along its exterior. Includes secret weapons that shoot out the sides. Also includes batteries, but Batman sold separately.
Kid-appropriateness: What kid doesn't want to own a Batmobile? The secret weapons are hazardous, though, both for choking or poking.
Office-appropriateness: Not applicable, unless you want to trump your cubicle mate's Hot Wheels set.

DARTH TATER
Retail price: $7.99
Diagnosis: Hasbro's Mr. Potato Head goes to the Dark Side of the Force, gains a mask, helmet, lightsaber and enormous powers. OK, maybe two out of three, which ain't bad. Comes equipped with other interchangeable parts - big black orthopedic-looking sneakers, ears, teeth and other parts in case Darth Tater returns to his spudly roots.
Kid-appropriateness: Absolutely.
Office-appropriateness: Absolutely. But watch out: Co-workers might take your tater when you're not looking.

STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH WOOKIEE WATER BLASTER
Retail price: $14.99
Diagnosis: It's a Super Soaker with a twist - that it's based on the Wookiee weapons used on their home planet (Kashyyyk, as if you care to know) - with a capacity of 13.5 ounces and shooting range of 35 feet. Firing sounds accompany your shots.
Kid-appropriateness: Mom says take it outside, please.
Office-appropriateness: Our photographers immediately took to it, which isn't necessarily a good sign for productivity.

WILLY WONKA ACTION FIGURE
Retail price: $6.99
Diagnosis: Think Johnny Depp looked creepy in the film? His likeness - seven inches tall including hat - doesn't look like Depp or even Michael Jackson so much as it resembles Marilyn Manson. Yes, that creepy. Plus, his leg broke off within the first day. Figure comes with base and candy tree.
Kid-appropriateness: Kids will want to pair Wonka figure with others in collection (Charlie Bucket, Oompa Loompas, Augustus Gloop, Violet Beauregarde, Veruca Salt, Mike Teavee).
Office-appropriateness: Only if you want to creep out co-workers.

WONKA'S MAGICAL CHOCOLATE FACTORY
Retail price: $14.99
Diagnosis: Take that, EZ Bake Oven! The mini-factory takes eight AA batteries to power the melting chamber. Preheat eight minutes, pour chocolate chips (not included) and presto, chango, instant chocolate candies in one of 16 molds.
Kid-appropriateness: If they're patient enough to figure it out.
Office-appropriateness: Did someone say snack time?